This is a topic that seems obvious but really isn’t. When I first went through my divorce, I immediately thought, Who’s my attorney, not What can be figured out in mediation. I didn’t understand that I control the process. I didn’t understand that I was supposed to not only participate, but make the decisions. I didn’t understand that I wasn’t just in the room, I decided what stayed in the room. I gave my attorney the wheel and closed my eyes. I didn’t understand there was another way.
I didn’t learn about mediation until I was actually in it. Not because I wanted to be, but because Florida typically requires it in Family court. Even when I was in mediation, it wasn’t until years later that I had much more control that I realized. I had no idea my input mattered. Not because of self-importance, but because I was the one who had to walk through the agreement after the check was cashed and the paper was signed. I went with my attorney, took his advice, and regretted almost all of it. I don’t say this because I am anti-attorney at all. On the contrary, I am very pro-attorney, but in the right context. On my mediation day, I silenced my voice, stopped trusting myself, and let go of what I really wanted because I thought my attorney knew what was best for me. In hindsight, that was completely unfair of me. That isn’t an attorney’s role. How are they supposed to know what’s best for me if they’re not walking in my shoes? They can’t. Mine couldn’t. And yours won’t be able to know what’s best for you either when it comes to the day-to-day decisions. An attorney can advise on what they think will be best, legally, but only you can decide what’s going to be best for you tomorrow.
To me, mediation was the same as the courtroom. It was just another room where legal stuff I didn’t understand was happening around me. I was told what topic needed to be decided, I blundered through it, and then years later realized, I hated that I didn’t use my voice. I stayed reserved, kept quite, and trusted someone else instead of my gut. My gut told me a decision was wrong, but I didn’t listen to it. I don’t think I’m alone there. I think most people don’t realize they have a voice in the room. I certainly didn’t. I did was was advised, and learned the hard way that beyond the paper, on the regular Tuesdays, my parenting plan didn’t pan out. After a month, after a year, after three, the plan worked less and less. My kid grew up. My circumstances changed, and I was left with what I decided way back then.
I digress. Is an attorney necessary? That’s subjective. You might feel an attorney in the room is necessary. Someone else might think it’s not. Most people don’t realize not having an attorney in the room is even an option. I certainly didn’t.
Ultimately, it’s your decision to make. That’s the part I never understood. I didn’t understand mediation was about my choices and that those choices would be the ones I’d be living in five years from then. What I later learned was that mediation is about being comfortable in the room so you can make decisions you feel comfortable living in.
In reality, I would probably do things differently. Not because my attorney did anything right or wrong, but because I simply didn’t understand how mediation works. It wasn’t until I went through mediation training that I learned attorneys aren’t even required in the mediation room. It’s not something I’d like to see on repeat for anyone else. So, as for you, you can decide at any point whether you want, or don’t want an attorney in the room, or at all.
Mediation is your process, and you decide how it moves forward. Don’t get me wrong, when it comes to filing, an attorney can absolutely take the wheel, and should. The Florida legal system is not an easy river to navigate, and not one I try to do unassisted.
Point being, attorneys and mediators hold different roles. Two very distinct, very different roles.
So to answer the question, Can I go through mediation without an attorney? The answer is absolutely yes, if that’s what you want. It’s your decision, just like everything else in mediation. The real question is are you going to be able to speak for yourself if your attorney is in the room. If the answer to that question is yes, bring them along. If you’re not sure, sit with it. Let the decision come to you.
My job is not to give legal advice. If that’s what you’re looking for, please call an attorney!