What Is Family Mediation?

I’m not sure what you’ve heard about Family Mediation, but when I entered it I had no clue what I was getting into. What I’ve learned over the years is most people have no clue what they’re going into either. So let’s walk through it in a direct, straightforward way, so you can walk away saying, Ok I get it now.

I could start with what a typical mediator would say, it’s confidential, it’s voluntary…. but those things are the bare minimum. Family Mediation is so much more than being confidential and voluntary. While those are the foundations of what make Mediation different than other processes you may chose, we’re going to explore behind the curtain. The goal of Family Mediation is for participants to work together, participate together, and make decisions together that will work in the real world when you’re walking down the Publix aisle.

So, what is Family Mediation? Family Mediation is a place where participants can put everything on the table. From finances to timesharing, everything is discussed. While there are limitations to what the Court will allow in certain instances, for a lot of topics, you steer the ship. That doesn’t mean you can decide everything exactly as you wished it could be, but it does mean you are part of the conversation.

Mediation is a space where decisions stay in your hands and topics are addressed as you want them to be. If you care about timesharing, that’s what we discuss. If you’re not so interested in splitting every single hair in detail, that won’t happen.

Communication is usually teetering on a tightrope by the time people have separated, and there is so much history, it’s hard to look forward. But Family Mediation is designed to do exactly that – look forward. It’s designed to look forward towards the decisions you’re going to have to live in, not only now, but five years from now. So, what does that look like in the room.

Communications through hard times are typically never simple. Sometimes they are, but most of the time they are not, even when people think they are. More often than not a conversation can turn into a tangent about Halloween three years ago and, outside of mediation, it’s commonly where the conversation comes to a halt. Mediation is designed to move past Halloween and focus on what’s happening right now. The decisions that are going to affect you once you leave the room and move on with your lives.

The purpose of Mediation is to change the trajectory from looking back to looking forward. It’s about breaking the circles, because, ultimately, while the past may be upsetting, even infuriating, at a certain point the past should stay there, and while the occasional glace in the rearview mirror can remind you of what choice you do not want to repeat, glaring at it doesn’t change anything. While the past absolutely can provide value, and it still matters. However, it’s up to you to decide if you want to make the same choices you did in the past, or if you want to make informed decisions that can change what life can look like through the windshield.

Don’t get me wrong, context is important, and history can repeat itself if it stays on the same trajectory. History matters. Period. However, there is a certain point that looking backwards, just perpetuates the cycle.

What I don’t want you expecting is a blank check to point fingers and prove why the other person is wrong and why you are right. There are two sides to every coin, and it’s not my job to decide which side is facing up. The purpose is to stop pointing fingers, stop trying to convince the other who is right or wrong, and to, hopefully, lead to life after separation that is livable a month, a year, three years from now. You control those choices, whether it takes two hours, four hours, or a week.

Ultimately, the timeline is yours. The purpose is to allow space for decisions to be made with clear thinking and clear information that allows for informed, long-lasting decisions.

Mediation is a time for participants to retract the fingers, take a deep breath, and live in the moment that is currently happening. Mediation is a space to take what you’ve learned and apply it today. You can take the time to focus on the day-to-day decisions that keep life moving on a track that evolves as life does. If the children are three, will the decisions still work when they’re sixteen. More often than not, the journey is very different at the start than at the finish. Mediation is designed to allow space for that journey’s evolution through time.

Mediation looks different for every family, but it’s the same structure every time. The major difference is that Mediation doesn’t make hard conversations any easier, it just facilitates a space for them to be more productive. It allows space for informed choices, so the quality of your decisions will live long after the session ends.