The Difference Between Frustration and a Problem

The more specific the conversation becomes, the easier it is to build workable agreements.

One of the things I spend a surprising amount of time doing during mediation is asking people to be more specific. That may not sound particularly remarkable, but vague language is one of the biggest obstacles to productive conversations. People often describe their frustration in broad terms because that’s how they’ve come to experience it. After months—or sometimes years—of conflict, the details begin to blur together until everything starts feeling like one ongoing problem.

A parent might say, “He never tells me anything.” That feels like a complete thought, but it isn’t one I can build a solution around. My next question is almost always, “What information are you referring to?” Are we talking about school? Medical appointments? Extracurricular activities? Travel? Parent-teacher conferences? Each of those involves different responsibilities, different expectations, and often a different solution entirely.

The same thing happens with statements like, “She never communicates,” or “He’s impossible to work with.” Those sentences describe how someone feels, but they don’t describe a problem that’s specific enough to solve. Before anyone can make meaningful decisions, we have to translate those frustrations into something observable. Does “communication” mean responding to text messages? Sharing school emails? Giving advance notice about schedule changes? Including the other parent in medical decisions? Until everyone is talking about the same thing, they’re often arguing over entirely different ideas without realizing it.

That’s part of the work people don’t always see. Mediation isn’t just about helping people reach agreements. It’s about helping them define the issue clearly enough that an agreement is even possible. The more precise the conversation becomes, the more workable the solution usually becomes.